i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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