I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
