I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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