I just threw up on my dentist
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
