Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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