Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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