Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
