Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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