I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
