I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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