Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
