is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
