the day after is always just damage control
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
