Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
