she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
