College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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