On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Dick very happy bro
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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