Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He did a backflip because drugs
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
