My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
