Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
