got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
