do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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