These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
