I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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