I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
