we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
