my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Randomize
