I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
