I wish I only lived at night.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's shark week go big or go home
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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