i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
