any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She even gives head with a lisp.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
