ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
