The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
