I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
