Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
