He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Boobs are out for the taking
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
