ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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