bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
