Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I need to align my fucking chakras
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
