what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
