Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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