Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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