I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
