You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
