Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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