I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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