i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
