WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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