I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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