***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
