I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
