I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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